While at my EAP session this morning and speaking with Amy Gressler, we began talking about how some recent dreams I’ve had seem to indicate that my self-identity seems anchored more in some of the most negative aspects of my past. I’ve been thinking about that since (well, not when I was taking a nap after a needed shower when I got home) and have to agree with her.
Recently Kathy and I took a celebratory trip to my old stomping grounds around Groton, CT (where I was last stationed before mistake-wife pressured me into getting out of the Navy). As the train drew nearer to the station in New London, Kathy remarked that my grin became bigger and bigger. In many ways, even with the changes that I could see had happened, the years fell away, and I was once again a 24-year-old man given the responsibility to manage a nuclear power plant on a ballistic missile submarine.
We spent six wonderful days exploring the area (one of the necessary stops, of course, was at the Submarine Museum next to the sub base in Groton and visiting the Nautilus) and I have never felt so relaxed in far too long. Despite a somewhat nightmarish trip up from North Carolina (that I covered in a different blog), for six wonderful days, we explored the area, and I saw it through new eyes. It is a beautiful area filled with history and every night I fell asleep early and slept like the proverbial baby.
Recently Kathy and I took a celebratory trip to my old stomping grounds around Groton, CT (where I was last stationed before mistake-wife pressured me into getting out of the Navy). As the train drew nearer to the station in New London, Kathy remarked that my grin became bigger and bigger. In many ways, even with the changes that I could see had happened, the years fell away, and I was once again a 24-year-old man given the responsibility to manage a nuclear power plant on a ballistic missile submarine.
We spent six wonderful days exploring the area (one of the necessary stops, of course, was at the Submarine Museum next to the sub base in Groton and visiting the Nautilus) and I have never felt so relaxed in far too long. Despite a somewhat nightmarish trip up from North Carolina (that I covered in a different blog), for six wonderful days, we explored the area, and I saw it through new eyes. It is a beautiful area filled with history and every night I fell asleep early and slept like the proverbial baby.
Once back in North Carolina, however, that changed even when we went up to Asheville to visit friends and extend the vacation. My dreams were filled with visions of my time in prison and even once we were home, these nightmares from my past continued. While speaking with Amy about this, she asked me if that part of my life is all that I am? She encouraged me to explore all that Tony is; to look at the positive aspects of my life, not concentrating on those aspects that led to my having PTSD and nightmares of incarceration alone.
Who am I? What are the positives that make up the person that I am?
Who am I? What are the positives that make up the person that I am?
Primarily, anything that can be said that is good in me must be attributed to the faith given me by my King and the changes He continues to make of and within me. Even before surrendering my life to Christ, my work as a paramedic and nurse involved helping others in crisis; something that provided me a great deal of satisfaction for many years. That I overthrew the duties as a nurse once resulting in my incarceration does not negate that aspect of who I am. While I cannot again work in either field, it wasn’t long before I sought out other means of reaching out to others in many different ways. Becoming involved with various local organizations as a volunteer has helped me to utilize this part of my makeup which has given me a sense of worth that has long been missing.
Another aspect of my life is my love of photography; a talent that I have combined with the volunteer organizations I’ve become involved with to help tell their story. I am very thankful for the advent of digital photography and the excellent photo imaging software that is available for free as that not only enables me to take many photos but to process them for little more than the cost of electricity needed. Thankfully Kathy has provided income enough for me to purchase a starter camera that enables me to do more that shoot pictures with my smarter-than-me phone (another marvel that happened while I was ‘away’). While in no way seeking to portray myself as a professional, it is a hobby that enables me to explore not only the world around me but the creative spark that is inside of me as well.
Yes, there is much more to Tony than the period from September 11, 1987, to May 11, 2011; while many (most?) would want to continue to rub my nose in it, it is past, and my hope and desire are to move forward. A song from Phillips, Craig & Dean puts it well and I will close this with the beautiful lyrics from that song that has done so much to help me move forward:
"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"
Forgiven
If only you’d forgive yourself
You’ve been made new
But you’re standing where you fell
Because when you look in the mirror
It seems like all you ever see
Are the scars of every failure
And the you that you used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Forgiven
Just let that word wash over you
It’s all right now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So, get back up and take step one
And now you’re new life has begun
And know that if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed!
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
Another aspect of my life is my love of photography; a talent that I have combined with the volunteer organizations I’ve become involved with to help tell their story. I am very thankful for the advent of digital photography and the excellent photo imaging software that is available for free as that not only enables me to take many photos but to process them for little more than the cost of electricity needed. Thankfully Kathy has provided income enough for me to purchase a starter camera that enables me to do more that shoot pictures with my smarter-than-me phone (another marvel that happened while I was ‘away’). While in no way seeking to portray myself as a professional, it is a hobby that enables me to explore not only the world around me but the creative spark that is inside of me as well.
Yes, there is much more to Tony than the period from September 11, 1987, to May 11, 2011; while many (most?) would want to continue to rub my nose in it, it is past, and my hope and desire are to move forward. A song from Phillips, Craig & Dean puts it well and I will close this with the beautiful lyrics from that song that has done so much to help me move forward:
"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"
Forgiven
If only you’d forgive yourself
You’ve been made new
But you’re standing where you fell
Because when you look in the mirror
It seems like all you ever see
Are the scars of every failure
And the you that you used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Forgiven
Just let that word wash over you
It’s all right now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So, get back up and take step one
And now you’re new life has begun
And know that if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed!
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
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