Very early this morning (around 2:30 or so) a line of thunderstorms moved through our area. Before being fully awake, the flashes of lightning and roar of thunder brought back some images that quickly had me sitting up in bed attempting to control my breathing and heart rate. To keep from waking Kathy (who slept through it all), I got up, got dressed and went into the living room and sat on the sofa.
I spent several minutes calming my breathing, reminding myself that I was in our home in Durham, NC and that it was July 3rd, 2016. Recently I began taking a yoga class at Hope Community Church under the auspices of the Military Family Ministry during which the instructor told us a calming mantra to use was, “I am safe; I am in control.” That seemed to rub me the wrong way, so I changed it to, “I am in Christ; God is in control.” As those words flowed through my lips, the panic I had been feeling faded away and I began to relax. I opened the blinds of one window and sat on the sofa and watched the most spectacular light and thunder show I’ve seen in years. It went on for almost three hours during which the words of the psalmist rolled through my mind:
I spent several minutes calming my breathing, reminding myself that I was in our home in Durham, NC and that it was July 3rd, 2016. Recently I began taking a yoga class at Hope Community Church under the auspices of the Military Family Ministry during which the instructor told us a calming mantra to use was, “I am safe; I am in control.” That seemed to rub me the wrong way, so I changed it to, “I am in Christ; God is in control.” As those words flowed through my lips, the panic I had been feeling faded away and I began to relax. I opened the blinds of one window and sat on the sofa and watched the most spectacular light and thunder show I’ve seen in years. It went on for almost three hours during which the words of the psalmist rolled through my mind:
“The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.”
Psalm 19:1 ESV
I sat there in awe and wonder, praising my King, all fear gone as the thunder rolled through the room and the lightning flashed across the sky. The words of Praise You In This Storm by the group Casting Crowns:
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
All thought of sleep fled as I rejoiced in how God had begun His work in me so long ago and, despite the many times I’ve rebelled, continued to reach out to me with His immutable, ineffable grace. When I recalled another song I referred to in an earlier blog, Danny Gokey’s, Let Your Heart Beat Again, specifically one part:
“Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again”
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again”
What had happened to me in the distant past and more recently had left behind poisons that were keeping me from being the man Christ wants me to be. I lived in this past, not seeing the joys and wonder that God had for me NOW; allowing instead my past to be my present. To paraphrase Mr. Gokey’s wonderful words:
‘Yesterdays an open door and I live there evermore
Say hello to where you’ve been
Tell your heart to be still forevermore’
Say hello to where you’ve been
Tell your heart to be still forevermore’
Living in the past now, left me bereft of true joy and happiness as I continued to wound myself as well as those around me who loved me, especially my beloved wife, Kathy. Time and again counselors and friends would try to reach out to me, but it was as if their words unintelligible and I was blind to their concern.
One day, at a meeting of the Military Family Ministry at Hope Community Church, I met a woman by the name of Amy Gressler who ran a program called Equine Assisted Psychotherapy. She talked about the results they had not only with Veterans with PTSD but with young ladies who had been through some trauma; something about what she said struck a chord with me. While going to school at UNC, Kathy and I had helped run a boarding stable for horses. It is a lot of work, but there was something about being around the horses that did have a calming effect on me. I asked about connecting with her to set up a time to begin therapy and have been meeting with her and her friends since on a usually weekly basis.
She has talked with me (many times) about staying in the present, of being conscious of what I was feeling, hearing NOW versus any memories from the past (that I began referring to as the ‘Ago.' as in long ago). During one session as I led around a pasture sitting on Bob (the Belgian that I normally worked with then), she had me close my eyes and try to pay attention to the sounds and sensations, including that of Bob’s movement underneath me. As the breeze blew, I could hear it pass through the trees and feel it flow around my body (a very pleasurable experience on that particularly hot day). Feeling Bob’s movement and moving with him had me relaxed; hearing his hooves move through the grass and other sounds that surrounded me, each new one I would try to identify (usually fairly easy).
With her help, as well as the help of many others (especially Kathy), I have come a long way in my journey. Yes, there are still times that I struggle with the ‘Ago,’ but the friends that God has placed in my life have done much to help me remain where I am instead of where I once was.
The journey continues…
One day, at a meeting of the Military Family Ministry at Hope Community Church, I met a woman by the name of Amy Gressler who ran a program called Equine Assisted Psychotherapy. She talked about the results they had not only with Veterans with PTSD but with young ladies who had been through some trauma; something about what she said struck a chord with me. While going to school at UNC, Kathy and I had helped run a boarding stable for horses. It is a lot of work, but there was something about being around the horses that did have a calming effect on me. I asked about connecting with her to set up a time to begin therapy and have been meeting with her and her friends since on a usually weekly basis.
She has talked with me (many times) about staying in the present, of being conscious of what I was feeling, hearing NOW versus any memories from the past (that I began referring to as the ‘Ago.' as in long ago). During one session as I led around a pasture sitting on Bob (the Belgian that I normally worked with then), she had me close my eyes and try to pay attention to the sounds and sensations, including that of Bob’s movement underneath me. As the breeze blew, I could hear it pass through the trees and feel it flow around my body (a very pleasurable experience on that particularly hot day). Feeling Bob’s movement and moving with him had me relaxed; hearing his hooves move through the grass and other sounds that surrounded me, each new one I would try to identify (usually fairly easy).
With her help, as well as the help of many others (especially Kathy), I have come a long way in my journey. Yes, there are still times that I struggle with the ‘Ago,’ but the friends that God has placed in my life have done much to help me remain where I am instead of where I once was.
The journey continues…
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