I’ve heard this espoused by perhaps well-meaning folks when confronted with the pain others feel and, while it is true, it is rarely comforting to the person in the middle of a mess (even if the mess is of their own making). I’ve had some who tell me to “…get over it!” and I would dearly love to do just that, if only I knew how.
Awakened this morning at 2:30 with both fears of what to do, where to go, how to move forward when the walls seem so damned impenetrable and tall as well as the chorus to a praise song from this Sunday’s service at the Chapel Hill Bible Church. These two seemed to be circling each other in my mind; competing for preeminence in my heart reflecting the struggle I do have daily in ascertaining what God has planned for me.
I remember the naiveté with which I left prison in 2011; sure that with my educational background and desire to succeed that someone ‘out there’ would give me a shot. One company with whom I’d been employed through the work release program at Orange Correctional continued to offer me episodic, temporary, part-time work (my average annual income from them so far comes to about $4,000), but full-time, meaningful work has eluded me since then despite over 400 resume’s submitted to different companies since my release.
Recently I thought I’d had a moment of clarity that seemed to be redirecting me in a direction I’d not considered, but that too seems to be coming up empty so far. My wife continues to be the ‘majority share-holder’ in our home; I even applied for unemployment to try and supplement the meager offerings of Social Security I receive each month since ‘retiring’ in 2013, but was told by the Employment Security Commission that I had not earned enough income last year to qualify for unemployment this year!
It does seem that every time I think I feel I’m heading in the right direction, the walls appear and stymie any effort on my part to move forward. Friends tell me to keep pushing and I will, for lack of anything else to do, but it would sure be a refreshing change to hear anything in this dark hallway I’m in other than my head butting up against one more wall.
The phrase that came to me this morning, “…trust and obey…” is from a hymn written by John Sammis in 1887, seems to resonate and perhaps that is a lesson I am learning/re-learning through this time of waiting. I do have a hope that can carry me through this place I am in now and that will enable me to go on.