So, what’s new with you?

Another 24 hour period passes and the world seems to pause to celebrate this particular day more than another simply because it marks the passing of one year (2015) and the beginning of yet one more (2016).  Spending multiplied millions (if not billions) on the gaiety of such an event and, with the new risks we face, add to that the billions in added security to protect the revelers who gather around the globe.

Why do we do this every year?  We eat special meals, supposedly to influence events in the coming year that will bring us additional money and good fortune all the while laughing off such and telling each other that we are not taking such folk-wisdom seriously.  But those meals are served with the same regularity as we light up the night sky with brilliant displays of fireworks each year. 

Multiplied millions share resolutions to at least attempt to improve their lives, if not that of some attempt at improving the world around them; such promises for change often forgotten in the passing of days (hours?) that the ‘new’ year brings.  We hope, perhaps, that this year can be different; that governments can work together, and that industry as well will work more for the benefit of the world and the people who live on it rather than chasing after the amassing of more and more in the coffers of those same governments and businesses. 

​But what is new with you?  Is it vain to hope for improvement as Jiminy Cricket once sang, “When You Wish Upon A Star?” or are we doomed to continue the same circling of the drain as we await the final push of a button to end it all with nuclear oblivion or some other form of destruction?  Can that be the underlying cause of such careless and hopeful abandon each New Year Eve?  We did not blow ourselves up (at least in the case of the majority) and can hope that such will be the case next December 31st all the while nervously watching the growing tensions between religious groups, countries, and individuals.

​Dare I say it?  Is there hope in something (Someone) outside of our control?  Events that I participated in while in the Navy back in the 1970s make me less hopeful of man’s efforts to obtain “Peace on Earth.”  As more countries and the despots who rule them become members of the nuclear club, it seems that we are indeed circling the drain of our demise unless there is Another who will, as the bartender in a pub I once visited in Scotland said, “All right, gents.  Closing time.”
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We have no means to stop our maddened rush to eventual destruction.  A perusal of any news media or just looking within our hearts will demonstrate this truth.  Mutual Assured Destruction Doctrine is no guarantee of peace (as I learned in the 70s) and the vehement argument between scholars of different (or the same) religions give me little cause for hope.  It is only in one Person that I can look and see hope; a baby born in a slum of a forgotten part of a subjugated people brought that hope to all mankind.  A baby foretold for centuries, who was born to die and lived his life in complete obedience to the Law of His people, then executed putting an end, the authorities thought, to this sect of Jews.

But hope arose and continued to grow despite the efforts of any politician or imam; the Light of all men provides a newness in the most despicable of us (and I have, at times, been such and will be again).  Scattered around the world, the followers of this One look into a future that is New and filled with a Hope that the world scorns.  As this ‘new’ (but far too much the same) begins, I invite you to consider this Jesus and ask yourself what answer He would give you to the question with which I began this.
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So, what’s new with you?

 
          How can I understand all that has happened?  At times I feel like a plaything, a toy boat tossed about on a pond by the dirt clods some boy is throwing at it.  Can I be sure that it is God who is talking to me?  Does it not seem presumptuous on my part that the Lord would communicate with this son of Eli?  The dream or vision, could it not have been that spicy meal I had eaten or maybe some sour wine I’d drunk?  I am no priest or scribe, how can I expect God to speak to me?

          Lord, those who laugh at me openly don’t hurt so much, but I grieve at the sneers and whispers about my beloved Mary.  Others shake their heads at me when they think I don’t see; am I a fool to believe all that I think you have told me?  When she told me that she was with child, my heart stopped, Lord.  She of whom I have loved and longed for had been with another!  After all, that is what is needful for such to happen isn’t it, Lord?  How could I marry her now, but if I publicly confront her, she’d be stoned!  Lord, how can I let such happen to my Mary?  I still love her, Lord, and I am trying to understand all that is happening.  How can I, a simple carpenter who has become a plaything of God?

          She looked so beautiful at the betrothal.  My breath left me whenever our eyes met; so much promised in a look!  How I worked to prepare a home for us, then the whispers began.  Mary returned from visiting Elizabeth already showing her condition- and the story she told me!  How can such things occur in our simple village?  We are not related to the priests in Jerusalem, Lord.  We are simple people!

          Have I erred in keeping Mary as my wife?  The dream I had, what the angel said about her – and the child within her!  I would have to be mad to believe it!  But when I talked with Mary, the tears in her eyes…  Lord, I love her so!

          Now, here outside this ….CAVE!  Dear God, I would expect such a child to be born in a palace with many attending to Mary.  But this filthy place!  How can I but wonder where this child came from when we are forced to a hovel such as this to bring a child into the world.  God of Israel, help me to understand!  Help me to see your hand in all this.  How can Messiah be born in such a place?

          There!  I said it!  The Messiah!  After all these years of waiting is it really the time we've yearned for, or am I the victim of a hoax?  Help me, Adonai to see you in all this.  Calm my heart that I may comfort Mary and protect her son.  Her son!  Is it pride, God, that has me so worked up?  Am I jealous of the father of this child?  But who is he?  What the angel said.  How is that possible?  Am I, like our father Jacob, wrestling against God?  Help me to know what is true, Lord.  Calm my heart.

          If this child is indeed Messiah, how can I teach him?  How does a carpenter raise God’s Son, the King of kings?  Lord, every time I accept this, more questions come.  What do I do, Lord, to provide for all that will be needed?  My shop and my customers are all in Nazareth.  How can I hope to begin all over again here when I can’t even find a clean home – such a provider to birth a baby in a cave?

          A baby, your Son?  Incredible!  The Son of God coming to visit us by being born to my Mary?  Here?  In a stable?  Insanity!  Dare I really believe this?  Dare I not?

          
This was originally written while I was incarcerated; in it I sought to imagine myself in Joseph's place, how would I react to the events surrounding the birth of the Christ-child?  How this man must have wrestled; how many of us still do with the idea of Immanuel entering His creation in such a manner.  A blessed and wondrous Christ-mas to all.
 

 

In a recent lesson at the Chapel Hill Bible Church, James Abrahamson while teaching on ethics used a quote from the movie, Saving Private Ryan, where the central character asks his wife this question, “Did I live a good life?” A very poignant question in light of how just previously in the movie (a flashback to events in which Ryan was rescued by a platoon led by an officer played by Tom Hanks, of whom most had been killed during the effort to find Ryan) Captain Miller (played by Tom Hanks) lay dying of his wounds, he grabs Ryan and tells him, “Earn it!” referring to the sacrifices of his men who were killed ensuring he would return home.

This hammered me as few things could; I've seen the movie and did not recall either quote, but looking back online saw that these two quotes did indeed occur, the turmoil they have caused within my own heart is beyond description.  These two brief sentences seemed to highlight a struggle I've had recently; on one part I recognize that nothing I can do can earn the grace God has given me in Christ, but how to answer the question that the older Ryan asks his wife?  Dare I ask that of anyone, even myself?

I did serve in the military; both in the Navy as a nuclear-trained electrician mainly on board a ballistic missile submarine and in the Army Reserve as a field medic while going to school at UNC.  My career as a nurse and paramedic were abbreviated by an egregious decision which led to my being incarcerated following my causing a patient’s death in ICU.  To many (most it seems considering how I have remained unemployed since my release) that one decision erases all the ‘good’ that I've ever done.  As I related this once to a friend, it seems the feeling among the vast majority of folks is “…once convicted, always condemned!” 

So, how would I answer the question Ryan asked his wife?  How would those who know me answer it?  Dare I ask it?

 

Depression.

Not a topic that is comfortable in any context, but especially within the church today.  So many teach and/or believe that once you have surrendered your life to Christ that life will be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere.  As with Job’s friends, when someone does not fit that mold, many question the individual’s walk with Christ; accusations flow and fingers point, but how many harbor their own pain, hiding it to prevent others from treating them in the same way? 

Thankfully I am in a fellowship whose members do “…come alongside…” the person who is hurting, from whatever source.  Still, it is hard to ask for help; when I see others in the body at the Chapel Hill Bible Church who are wrestling with much worse, how can I ask for help when they seem so much more in need of that help?  Indeed, one of the men I would go to for counselling is himself struggling with a battle with cancer; what is depression when compared with something that could take his life?

As I related in an earlier blog, with Job I can state categorically that I do know that my Redeemer lives; that He holds onto me is a solace and comfort that is beyond measure particularly now that my strength is all but gone. 

A day is coming for all of us in Christ when such pain and confusion will be forever banished; for now, we do struggle and wander in a dark world.  I have no answers or expectation of when (if?) this greyness will end, but I do know that I am loved and, as Elisabeth Elliot quoted so many times, “…underneath are the everlasting arms.” (Deuteronomy 32:27)

In John Bunyan’s allegorical work, The Pilgrim’s Progress, we follow the trials and ultimate triumph of the main character Christian as he goes from his initial state in the slough of despond to the celestial city.  Throughout his adventures (misadventures at times) there are times when those who seem to teach that once saved all your troubles are behind you are firmly repudiated.  Indeed, looking at the life of early church fathers such as Paul also seem to deny the nonsense of life as a believer being one of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.

In recent weeks this thought has been greatly reassuring; to refer to Bunyan’s Christian, there are times when it seems that I still wallow within my own slough of despond despite having many times seeing real evidence in my life of God’s amazing work of grace.  Part of my struggle has been a result of my struggle to find meaningful work as well as being able to fit within the body of believers in a way that will benefit the kingdom and enable me to grow as a disciple of our Savior. 

At present I seem to have reached a nadir in my walk with Christ; it seems more and more difficult for me to do more than put one foot in front of another, to take the next breath seems all that I can do.  My daily reading of Scripture has all but stopped and my prayer life is pretty much nonexistent but for the inarticulate groan of a soul in torment. 

Today was a new low; while sitting in the auditorium, listening to the worship team rehearse before the start of the first service, they began going over a song that declares that in Christ we can change the world.  Something in me seemed to wither; I could not believe that it was possible for me to do anything to change the world.  It seems that the world has left me standing outside with little or nothing for me to do other than keep out of the way.  What previously had been a source of joy and refreshment now felt grating and dry, so I left and drove home.

As Job once stated, “…I know that my Redeemer lives…” (Job 19:25 ESV); that is a truth that I can still grasp and am thankful that it is His hand that holds me, not the other way around. 

“Hurry Up!”

There are many around me that seem in some kind of rush to get somewhere; there have been far too many times when I too have fallen to the lie that a frenetic pace is mandatory in life today.  Modern technology regarding transportation, communication and just enabling us to “multi-task” seem to push us to do more in less time than ever thought possible.  Hurry, hurry, get it done and move on to the next task or duty; never stopping until we lie in a casket, cold and dead, no longer in a rush to do anything, but far too late to enjoy everything.

I've been listening to Chuck Swindoll in his series on the life of Abraham and over and over again the theme of quietness and being still comes through the teachings and the Scripture cited.  God tells us to “…be still and know that I am God..” (Psalm 46:10); there are 26 admonitions of this nature within the ESV, many referring to the same injunction in Psalm 46:10, that we are to cease from striving (the meaning in the Hebrew) and just know, that is revel and rest in the knowledge that we are not in charge, God is. 

Since my release in May of 2012, I have at times felt an almost impossible to resist urge to go on to my next application; to rush from one job fair or help meeting to another in the hopes that somebody would give me a chance at full-time, meaningful work and (dare I hope) a career.  Why this madness; why do I believe that such would be fulfilling in and of itself?  Yes, additional income would be wonderful and much appreciated by our budget (from the French word meaning to have more month than money), but is it necessary? 

During this time of enforced idleness I have wasted many hours in frivolous pursuits (the trap of the watching and re-watching of episodes of different programs I like [such as NCIS] or even ‘educational’ programs on National Geographic), all the while just sitting there like a bump on the proverbial log (or tuning into the log).  I have sought to justify this inactivity by pointing out my volunteer work with the USO-NC, Our Children’s Place, as well as searching for new venues to put my hours into in the area.  All these are great in and of themselves and I will continue in them at some level, but all were causing me to face outward from the One who loves me more than I could understand in this life.  Facing away from Him, even for a ‘good’ reason or cause, had me looking into darkness, but His gently persistent manner in speaking to me through such venues as Chuck Swindoll, different programs I’d catch on BBN and especially the teaching I receive on a weekly basis at the Chapel Hill Bible Church has helped me to realize that I can do these volunteer activities without facing away from God.  These can and should become a type of ministry and with that outlook I have found a new energy in that work that previously had been little more than a drudgery that I plodded through.

Additionally, with this and other forms of ministry that may be opening to me, I have also begun considering starting a business that will allow me to use my skills as a photographer (novice as they are in comparison to some that have been teaching me) to not only be a help to many of the above cited organizations, but also as a source of income for our family.  It’s exciting to see and feel how God is opening my heart and mind to these and other possibilities; I look forward to each day now with a joy that is hard to describe and I especially enjoy sharing my journey with others via this blog and other media. 

Thanks for sharing in this and for coming back to this blog; stay tuned, this could really start to get exciting!

“Life goes on.” 

I’ve heard this espoused by perhaps well-meaning folks when confronted with the pain others feel and, while it is true, it is rarely comforting to the person in the middle of a mess (even if the mess is of their own making).  I’ve had some who tell me to “…get over it!” and I would dearly love to do just that, if only I knew how.

Awakened this morning at 2:30 with both fears of what to do, where to go, how to move forward when the walls seem so damned impenetrable and tall as well as the chorus to a praise song from this Sunday’s service at the Chapel Hill Bible Church.  These two seemed to be circling each other in my mind; competing for preeminence in my heart reflecting the struggle I do have daily in ascertaining what God has planned for me.

I remember the naiveté with which I left prison in 2011; sure that with my educational background and desire to succeed that someone ‘out there’ would give me a shot.  One company with whom I’d been employed through the work release program at Orange Correctional continued to offer me episodic, temporary, part-time work (my average annual income from them so far comes to about $4,000), but full-time, meaningful work has eluded me since then despite over 400 resume’s submitted to different companies since my release.

Recently I thought I’d had a moment of clarity that seemed to be redirecting me in a direction I’d not considered, but that too seems to be coming up empty so far.  My wife continues to be the ‘majority share-holder’ in our home; I even applied for unemployment to try and supplement the meager offerings of Social Security I receive each month since ‘retiring’ in 2013, but was told by the Employment Security Commission that I had not earned enough income last year to qualify for unemployment this year!

It does seem that every time I think I feel I’m heading in the right direction, the walls appear and stymie any effort on my part to move forward.  Friends tell me to keep pushing and I will, for lack of anything else to do, but it would sure be a refreshing change to hear anything in this dark hallway I’m in other than my head butting up against one more wall.

The phrase that came to me this morning, “…trust and obey…” is from a hymn written by John Sammis in 1887, seems to resonate and perhaps that is a lesson I am learning/re-learning through this time of waiting.  I do have a hope that can carry me through this place I am in now and that will enable me to go on.

Stay tuned.

Amazing, really, how God can use some of his critters (even humankind!) to teach lessons to His children.  Once again I venture into the vaguely disturbing and uncertain area of Cat Theology, or to put it differently, what our cats have once again taught me about my relationship with God.

We have three owners, excuse me, I meant to say pets who are all cats and all female; I seem to be the token male in our household, but that’s a story for another time.  They each definitely have their own specific characteristics, but one in particular is the class clown for our family.  Spanky.  As the image shows, she is a black and white mix with an insatiable appetite for all manner of moist cat food, cheese, tuna, eggs (yeah, that was a surprise to us as well) and many other items (she draws the line at some things, but they are few and far between).  We jokingly refer to her as a dat (dog-cat) or other admixture because unlike so many other felines, Spanky will rear up on her hind legs and beg as only a dog can do.  She also slobbers (a lot!) when petted, so perhaps there is some boxer in her somehow?

Anyway, I arrived home from the USO-NC Center at the airport ready for a nap (I've been up since 4:50 and arrived at the Center at 6:00, just minutes ahead of 110 British Paratroopers on their way home from Ft. Bragg.  The next four hours were, to put it mildly, somewhat hectic, but incredibly rewarding to see the faces of these troops respond to our providing for them not only food, but a place to relax while waiting for their rides home.  So, yeah, I was tired when I got home and ready for a nap.  Then Spanky jumps on the bed and proceeds to let me know that it is time for me to pay attention to her NOW! 

There are many ways a cat has to show affection; purring, head-bumping the object of their affection, rubbing their whiskers on you (‘marking’ you as theirs) as well as others I’ve read about but cannot remember now.  Spanky was exhibiting all of the above and more as I lay on the bed trying to sleep.  Why all this affection; why was she so adamant about getting my attention?  She wants something, pure and simple.  Her little mind is so focused upon me as the giver of ‘goodies’ that it is all she cares about and all she is focused upon.

I remember wondering about my relation to God; do I love Him because of His presents or His presence.  Yeah, the last few years have been ‘interesting’, but even in the darkest period, the way God continues to provide and bless Kathy and I is astounding.  So, what if I was still in prison; what if I was unable to do so many of the things that bring me joy, would I still love Him?  Do I pursue Him solely because He can provide or would I love Him if He left me bereft of friends and family.

The answer comes easy to my mind, but part of me hesitates as I struggle to be more honest with Him, with myself and others.  All part of growing toward Home, I guess.  All part of Cat Theology.

Well, this summer I’ve been working some of the time at Measurement, Incorporated (MI) as a Reader.  The position is always considered temporary/part-time; only there if the company had a contract to score standardized tests.  Once that was no longer true, as is the case now, all the Readers are ‘laid off’ until the next contract comes along.  I’ve been there for some time now and have worked to varying degrees at different times of the year, but usually once the summer ‘crunch’ ends, that will be it for the year.  So, officially unemployed, what now?

I've been here before; it’s no big thing really, just somewhat disheartening to know that my search (which really never really ends) will continue.  Thankfully between Kathy’s full-time salary and my pitiful Social Security payment every month, we are able to live comfortably in our new home and I do enjoy being a house-husband (to an extent).  My volunteer activities with the USO-NC, Our Children’s Place and Orange County Partners to End Homelessness provide me an outlet for my energies that are not expended elsewhere.  Still, there is restlessness and not just about finding a Job; there is something else stirring within my soul that is hard to put a finger on. 

I’m not content to sit idle; idleness drives me crazy (some of you who know me would add an –ier to that), but considering my efforts to date to find work, my ‘looking’ may seem as yet another exercise in futility.  That perhaps is part of the something else I’ve alluded to in earlier blogs; when you try and nothing works, to keep plugging along with the expectation of anything different happening is, at least according to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity.  So, recognizing that I am behaving in what Professor Einstein would consider an insane manner, I start my search for a Job, not in any real hope of finding a business owner who can overlook my felonious past, but because having the extra income would be nice, and such search is required for me to file for unemployment. 

I don’t like asking for unemployment, not only because it does push me to more actively search, but because I feel it seems to be taking time from this something else and I would not want to get so enamored of my search (or any Job that could result from it) that I neglect or overlook what may be a new direction my King wants me to embark upon.  Your prayers would be appreciated, to be honest not so much for a job, but that this something else will be clarified whether it is, in fact, the direction He wants for me or just a pipe dream.

More later.