It always amazes me the selflessness of those who come through the RDU Center of the USO of North Carolina; many have served multiple tours in combat, yet they seem embarrassed by the simplest praise or thanks we give them for that service.  How different the response of those that most of society heaps adulation upon; they not only expect it, they are often upset and voice their displeasure openly that their ‘due’ is not given them!  Why this difference between those pseudo-heroes of stage and screen versus those whose lives are in jeopardy; why the incredible hutzpah versus the incredible humility?For those who have ‘seen the elephant’ (in its’ various forms), there is a gratitude that one has survived the experience and any adulation accorded to them is rather unnerving; call it survivors’ guilt or some such term, but it is unmistakable that our heroes do not see themselves as such. They state “I was just doing my job” and wonder at all the attention we seek to lavish upon them in sharp contrast to the stars of the ‘action movie’ genre who take themselves altogether too seriously.  One particularly egregious example that comes to mind is when a particular ‘heroic’ actor opined that his work on a particular movie was akin to serving in combat in Afghanistan!  Another actor, Mark Wahlberg, took him to task and law suits were threatened over Mr. Wahlberg’s comments about the other actors’ inane comments.

The real heroes just shrug such nonsense off, but the wounding must be there as I can recall an incident where I was returning from a trip to the ‘elephant’ and while approaching the TWA counter at San Francisco International was spat on three times.  Thankfully I did restrain my anger, but remember feeling shame at wearing my country’s uniform and that feeling lasted for years!  One of the reasons I volunteer with the USO-NC is to ensure that our heroes are treated as such and I really enjoy doing this.

So, I guess my point to all of this is to keep it real people!  Honor those who have and are serving and when you hear the folks from Hollywood speaking of their ‘sacrifices’ to bring the public, give them the attention they are due…the sound of crickets and silence.

                             

 here to edit.

In my reading this morning, I once again turned to the Gospel Coalition web site for my daily dose of D.A. Carson’s blog, but also looked to see what other articles/blogs had been posted since my last visit.  I was attracted to an article by Matt Smethurst, an associate editor for Gospel Coalition, who wrote a brief blog in which he cites a sermon delivered by John Piper, Israel, Palestine, and the Middle East for what he refers to as seven principles regarding that roiled part of a troubled world that strip away the political and religious rhetoric and help us see how there really is only one solution to this and every part of our anxious world and its’ peoples.

I’ve followed the people and nation of Israel since serving in the Navy and being in a submarine operating in the Mediterranean Sea during the Yom Kippur War of 1973.  From the birth of this nation by United Nations mandate in 1948 to the present they have been beset on every side by invective and attacks of isolated and widespread nature; even seemingly moments from being overwhelmed, they persevere as a nation and a people.  I do admire their determination in the face of such opposition and well remember the history of this people as depicted in Scripture.  Mr. Smethurt’s article and John Piper’s sermon give an insight that is rare in this sound bite filled world.

Golda Meir, former Prime Minister of Israel, once stated, “We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate us.”  There is a truth to that which is undeniable; I would ask, however, is it not also true for Israel?  This ongoing and seemingly never-ending war between Israel and the Arab people is a drain on their peoples and resources as a constant flash point that will one day trigger a global conflagration beyond any imagining.  There are valid reasons for the turmoil and stated purposes of each side, but in the end there can be only one solution to bring real peace to the Middle East and this sad, beleaguered world we all live on.

Ten years ago, John Piper offered a clear look at the war-torn Middle East from the view of Scripture that Matt Smethurst points us to that must be understood if we are to avoid the increasingly bitter bombast of all sides.  There really is only one Solution and peace for the Middle East and Earth will only occur when He reigns.

Part of my morning routine is to open a link with the Gospel Coalition as I follow a daily devotional/blog by D.A. Carson, but today the title of one of the offered articles caught my eye; God Can Restore Your Lost Years by Colin Smith.  The title alone called to my heart as few other things have recently and I chose to alter my routine by reading it first; this article in addition to some other events recently have filled me with a wonder that God does care for me despite my choices that did lead to far too many lost years.

Some background for those who are new to this blog; it has been an often tragic course I’ve travelled secondary to the choices I alluded to above.  Beginning the destruction of a marriage while in the Navy, then completing the task while enrolled at UNC set the stage even as I embarked on a career as a nurse and paramedic; what seemed as a fresh start and an exciting and fulfilling career was endangered by my own lack of a moral compass and I didn’t have a clue!  My background in the Navy as a nuclear-trained electrician on submarines seemed to fit me to be able to keep my head and focus in emergencies; those abilities came to the fore and were recognized by others as I began my career. Inside I was uncertain and confused at times; I was aware of course that others thought well of me for my abilities (at one point I had a medical center’s helicopter program competing with a large city’s EMS to hire me), but it was empty and without any real satisfaction.  I loved what I was doing and did it well with compassion for those that others looked down upon, particularly when I worked as a paramedic in one city where my partner would deride the homeless to the point that I would always volunteer to care for them while she drove.

Despite this success (I’d been in line for a promotion to shift supervisor at one EMS organization) I felt empty, bereft of purpose or satisfaction and uncertain I was doing something that really mattered!  My relationship with my second wife was, at best, stormy and we were each drifting apart as we sought to fill our own lives away from each other (she later told me that at this point in our lives, she’d considered leaving me).  Then it all came crashing down as a choice I’d made almost a year previously came back to haunt me.

Something I wish I could tell all nursing and medical school graduates as well, as those now practicing, is that without a sound moral foundation they will one day be forced to make a decision (or decisions) that will not only endanger their career, but their livelihood and reputation as well.  I made a choice that was wrong and resulted in the death of a patient; others have painted it as a compassionate choice to end the suffering of a family (the woman in question had been diagnosed as brain dead at some point prior to my caring for her this last time and had been in ICU for months), but I cannot honestly say that this was in my thinking at the time.  I’d like to think it was; in light of subsequent events, however, I cannot categorically state that wanting to end the family’s struggle was even in my thoughts that night.
An indictment and subsequent conviction for murder followed and I entered the prison system without a real expectation of ever coming out or even surviving if I had a release date (I didn’t!).  My sisters and Mom would write me, occasionally visiting (my Dad had died some years earlier), but it was my wife who would be the main support through the years; she said that she’d seen something in me years before and decided to stick around and see what happened after I was convicted.  Friends vanished almost instantaneously with the judges’ gavel striking down when he pronounced sentence and I entered Central Prison.

I arrived there in the early morning in February in the middle of a storm with sleet falling; getting out of the car to shuffle to the door (I was handcuffed and shackled), I stopped for a moment to look up at the wall surrounding this dark place and remember thinking that this was where I belonged.  Honestly, I expected to be killed in a short time; my idea of what life in prison were somewhat vague as the only time I’d ever been in a jail was as a paramedic to pick up a patient.  It was horrific and the first weeks were a blur as I tried to apply the lessons one man had taught me while in jail prior to my sentencing (he’d been a repeat offender and had spent many years ‘inside’ and given me some advice laughingly calling it “Prison 101”).  You never really trust anyone, especially those in authority, and the idea of keeping your head on a swivel (checking six in fighter pilot parlance) at all times, but at the same time, as the commercial once put it, “never let them see you sweat.”  If you act like a victim or others sense your fear, you are toast!

 

Through my years ‘inside’ I did mourn the life I had thrown away and wondered what I would do if I was ever released.  Coming to faith in Jesus gave me a source of hope that was comforting (about the only comfort I received!); many speak of ‘religion’ as a crutch for the weak and I have to agree with them, at least in regard to a relationship with Messiah.  I was weak and unable to even live day-to-day in prison without some source of help and support and I found that help in my relationship with Messiah. 

As I studied Scripture (finding the Bible Broadcasting Network station within range of whatever prison camp I was transferred to was always priority one!) I began a journey that continues to this day.  Having been released a little over three years ago I have adapted pretty well to my new reality, re-connecting with the Chapel Hill Bible Church (this time listening with a new heart and seeking desperately to apply what I learn) and becoming involved in different ways in the community, but still without meaningful work outside of those volunteer activities (USO-NC, Our Children’s Place, Orange County Partnership to End Homelessness, and Job Partners).  Not having a job despite over 450 applications (to date) has been troubling; between my age and my felony I've learned that opportunities are few and far between.  Because of an old back injury while working as an ICU nurse that was exacerbated through the health care offered ‘inside’ I am unable to perform much of the tasks that ex-felons are normally funneled toward (dish-washing, manual labor, etc.) and despite picking up an Associate’s degree in computers while in prison, no one seems willing to hire me.  From office work to garbage pickup for an apartment complex Kathy and lived at for a while (until they found out about my felony), my efforts to obtain work have fallen flat and I was beginning to wonder if I would ever find full-time work.

With no prospects and my only regular addition to the family income being my Social Security retirement check (not much because of the 23+ years in prison), I am adjusting to my new reality as house husband to Kathy (at least she likes my cooking!) and find satisfaction in helping others through the volunteer activities.  Recently, however, there seems to be something else stirring in my heart that I have a hard time articulating and so have begun to reach out to those I respect for advice and suggestions.  I’m not sure where this new ‘thing’ will take me or even if it will go anywhere.  Stay tuned and I’ll keep you updated.

Lately it is as if my spirit has dried up with weariness and despair; my seemingly endless search for meaningful work continues despite many who have prayed for me and come alongside to offer helpful suggestions and encouragement, but no offer of employment appears and I slog on. 

This past week a good friend suggested a local quasi-governmental organization that has employed several of my fellow former residents of that lovely gated community in Hillsborough called Orange Correctional Center, telling me that perhaps with my background working as an ER nurse as well as a paramedic they would offer me a position as well.  I contacted them, dropping off a resume packet when the director of Human Resources was out with a promise to have her call me once she was back in the office.

When I called the next day to speak with her about setting up an appointment for an interview, I was told by her secretary that she hadn’t had time to look through the material I’d dropped off, but would do so and call me back.  Two days later I called again and when I identified myself to this same lady and asked to speak with her, was transferred to her voice mail.  When this happened twice more I realized that this organization, while willing to hire someone as a counsellor who’d had drug offenses, they drew the line at someone with a murder conviction.

I love my wife and do enjoy serving her through being a house husband, but when I recall the hope I had at finding employment so that she could at least reduce her hours to part-time it seems the height of naiveté that anyone would favor me with full-time, permanent employment.  Over and over I’ve had my application for employment either ignored or denied (once with a mocking response to my query) and as the list of those who refuse me grows, my discouragement grows.

My enemy often speaks to me in such moments and he does make sense after a fashion, but then my forever Friend speaks softly to my heart as He did this morning through His Word.  In Matthew 11 we see one man about whom God bragged as the greatest of all men of all history, John the Baptist:

“Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist. Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.”                                                     Matthew 11:11 ESV

Now that is something to pad your résumé with, don’t you think; Jesus the Christ bragging that you are the best to come along in the race of Homo-sapiens!  But John was probably more discouraged and bereft of hope than I’ve ever had to endure as he sat in a jail cell of some petty despot for speaking the truth as God’s prophet:

“Now when John heard in prison about the deeds of the Christ, he sent word by his disciples and said to him, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?’”                                                                                Matthew 11:2, 3 ESV

Did Jesus castigate this despondent man?  Did he pull him up and shake him for the temerity by which he, John, questioned whether or not Jesus was truly the Expected One?  No, Jesus brags on him to those present when John’s disciples came with John’s query!  This prophet of God who was the one who introduced Jesus to Israel, who through obedience to God’s call opened the public ministry of Messiah the King, was even in his discouragement an example for all of us.  Yes, John was discouraged, questioning perhaps his own life’s work and wondering perhaps if he’d been mistaken at God’s call on his life and saying what he’d said about Jesus, but rather than speaking condemnation Jesus speaks healing and assurance to John.

In any study of Scripture one of the most important aspects is application; as Chuck Swindoll once put it, “…paint doesn't do any good in the can, you have to apply it!”  How do I apply this part of my daily reading in Scripture?  Is there some magic formula that helps me suddenly be able to ‘name it and claim it’ as so many pseudo-preachers proclaim?  Do I speak the ‘word of faith’ and have potential employers vying for my services?  If that were true then how is it that John wound up losing his head to this same despot’s lust rather than being released to continue his ministry?

No, Jesus’ response was a soft reply to give courage (encourage) to His servant; a reassuring reply that let John know that God was holding onto him, not that John had to hold onto Him.  Just so He speaks to my heart that He is holding onto me and no matter what does or doesn't happen, His love for me continues unabated by my failures or frustrations.

I can go on in that knowledge.