Tonight, Kathy and I arrived at the home of a friend for our weekly Life Group meeting and in our discussions before the others arrived we wound up speaking to the results of the hearing before the NCREC regarding my being licensed as a Realtor as well as the response of many within an agency that I’d hoped to work with once I was licensed. It was disappointing and frustrating, but it seemed that despite an initial response that kept me in the vertical (to use some fighter-jock parlance I heard once that is particularly apropos), my heart had not yet surrendered to what God had for me and I still clung to MY goals, MY ambitions and that embracing of MY was stifling what that “…still small voice…” would say to me in this time of transition. My trust was still in MY ability and so I was blind to what God wanted for me; amazing considering how many times He has taken me to the woodshed over this very thing.
Our meeting tonight continued a discussion following the series of lessons from Galatians taught at the Chapel Hill Bible Church, specifically this week’s lesson from Galatians 6:1-10 where Paul admonishes the Galatians (and us) about selfishness and an egocentric attitude. The unholy trinity (Me, Myself, and I) is ever present in the lives of those who focus only upon themselves, not looking to the needs of others or how we may serve or benefit others first. With all that was shared, it didn't really hit home how much “I” had usurped the place that only God must fill, the throne of my heart. Thankfully my King was not content to let me stew any longer, deceiving myself with my platitudes and religious jargon covering up a stew of self-righteous indignation about how “I” had been treated by the Real Estate Commission as well as some others who’d pledged their support regardless of the outcome and then seemingly had turned away instead.
On the drive home, while listening to BBN, a pastor was teaching from different parts of Scripture, but centering the lesson on the idea of how we can be self-deceiving regarding our relationship (or lack thereof) with Christ; the idea of examining our own hearts rather than looking at others has been in the lesson we’d discussed earlier, but as this pastor spoke it seemed as if my King had opened my eyes to how ugly and sanctimonious I’d been in my serving up my own whine rather than the fruit God calls me to produce. It is a bitter brew unfit for any, especially so for a King’s kid, and my heart was pricked by conviction as we drove home from the meeting.
No, I still do not know what (if anything) in the way of income I will do; there is a certain angst about that and much of it is prideful as the man who is supposed to be the bread-winner, I am rather the one dependent upon my wife as the majority income producer. Being dependent upon her is an ego-hit big time for me, but am I also in this reflecting a heart that seeks to deny my dependence upon God? Do I really think that the Gift of salvation through Christ is something “I” can earn? Better question, can I learn to be content and even joyful in my unemployment, serving Kathy as a house-husband while also seeking other opportunities to serve others through my volunteer activities with the USO, Job Partners, and Our Children’s Place? Can I trust God to provide where I cannot and also to allow Him to work in me as He will?
Hard questions, but ones that do help me to see that stepping down from the throne and allowing the King His rightful place in my heart regardless of what may or may not happen today or whatever tomorrow He may give me. My struggle continues; I’m not Home yet, but it promises to be a journey that, even with the bumps and sometimes hairpin turns, is one that does lead me not only to a wonderful forever with Christ, but a more peaceful and joyful now.